in the faYce.

frustration maxim ++!!!1

Sat, 16 Oct 2004 01:31:15 GMT

i have so much non-productive shit on my 'to do' list, i'm starting to get overwhelmed. first off, there are too many seasons of particular shows i need to watch and catch up on. ex: first priority, NIPTUCK. seriously, the show is fucking golden. i've still got the whole second season to go. then there's like, three seasons of Six Feet Under, that hooked me at first, but now my attentions starting to slip as the episodes are based on certain highlights and the middle of the hour tends to remain a little shady and dull. from what i've heard, the show is awesome, though i have yet to be convinced of such. moving on...
so many freakin games to finish and my nerves can only take so much. started playing silent hill 4 and the game scares the living jesus out of me. i can't play it alone. it's so good, i never want to stop playing. i still have yet to beat it along with others.

geo just bought silent hill 2, so we're gonna start that before we move on to 1 and 3. one thing at a time britt.
then shannon and i made it a point to play Code Veronica X again, however after the effort we've been putting into it, we're left without enough amo to catapult tyrant off the god damn plane. we haven't even made it to chris yet, WTF? requires maximum skill. i may have to convince a certain ninja to hop on a train and beat it for us. some things are just that important.

so i guess this makes new way for shan and i to start playing Zero then, considering we both started playing it like 2 years ago and never completed it and now have no idea where the hell we're at. i really liked that one though. i like the idea of switching off between billy and rebecca. i remember the puzzles being a little bit difficult though. hmm...
i've become a Mario Kart whore, devoting countless hours to the perfection of the double dash drift and unlocking the creator's ghosts. we love it kidz.
so much to do, so little time. and now it is about that time of the night, when the little one's are laid to rest and i am free to do as i please. i think i may make it a blockbuster night. for serious.

doom

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 01:25:54 GMT

i am so weak and shot; my exhaustion has been the result of many sleep deprived nights. i really need to work on that. im starting to feel the loneliness sink in as i realize what the days and nights are like without work and with my friends back at school. i'll be doing the daycare thing from now on during the day which is excellent money, but a lot of running around and then i applied for a job at best buy for nights so i should end up bringing home as much money as i was at equity. more work, but less bullshit. i seriously hated the old hags there- they had their heads up each other's asses and then talked trash about the same people the very next day. i swear, i really hope that's not me at 40. atleast let me learn that much out of life... :::sigh:::
i need to go to the mall and get aidan a halloween costume. i don't know what hes going to be this year, i think Captain Hook. haha, that should be cute.
so yeah, i've basically been sitting around every night or just going to the movies. i still miss fallon and devin though :( thank god i have shannon, faith and christi. and if i didnt have aidan keeping me company everyday, i'd surely die. that's why i kinda like being home. i've missed out on so much having to work all day and not really seeing him. i catch all the new things he's been doing, it's great. i'll be so upset when i'll have to leave that again. i've been trying to take aidan out during the day everyday, but that can't always happen since everything costs so much money. everything always adds up so i guess im kinda stuck. you could only deal with going to the park everyday for so long. that'll all change soon...
i kind of miss Hollywood. my old store manager Dave said i would be the only employee he would take back, even considering that i just walked out one day and never returned (hm, kinda like all my jobs- that's awful) anyway, he's great, he takes off all my late fees for me {just had one out so long that it racked up $80 on my account}. i miss my old friends there and after working at the title company of doom, it seems like such a fun job to have back. but i don't think i would ever go back there again for the fact that the pay sucks and i would feel bad if i had to leave them again. i'll just wait for this best buy thing to come through since i have shannon in the wings pulling strings for me. shaniiiii...
sooo yeah, i think im gonna check out what brent's doing, watch a movie or something and then crash. i wanna see RE2, but i heard it sucked... anyone have their own opinion?

sleepy grl

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 07:00:33 GMT

i am so glad the day is over... fridays drag on at work and i was in torture from noon until 5:30. i just couldnt get through the day. i almost sorta kinda fuxed up some attorney's closing this afternoon, but not really. ok, well the closing definitely absolutely went wrong, and i ended up screwing up some attorney, but it wasnt completely my fault. atleast i dont think so. he asked me to create some "transfer docs" {ignore} for him and then fax them to him asap since he was in the middle of a closing. so i rush and im stressed out because i have so many other important files that needed to go out TODAY, and i bend over backwards to get this guys shit done. i fax it to him and its busy. 3x i tried. bussyyy. so forget it, i had to go, he should have kept the line open. anyway, i come back an hour later and i get a nasty message from this guy and hes all like "you said you would fax those things over to me.. well, just FORGET IT, this meeting was already adjourned THANK YOU VERY MUCH BRITTANY." i swear if this arrogant bastard even thinks hes reporting me to someone, i will lose it. "BRITTANY"-- saying my name like that, thats definitely the business threat of "i know your name, i'm telling your boss" psh.
everyone is like that there- think they're all high and mighty. i trained some guy 2 weeks ago on how to use the online system for some stupid database and he turned around and told everyone he was training me. wtf is wrong with people? where is your conscience? where are your souls? i hate people more and more each day...

took the son to work today, yeah, not a good idea...

had so much fun in PA i cant even tell you. the house was awesome, and me, geo and aidan had the upstairs room with a bathroom. aidan fell backwards off the bed on the second night (4am) and got wedged in between the radiator and the bed. i woke up right away as he fell and jumped up and started screaming. i hear a faint whine from him and then its silent and im hysterical crying as geo jumps out of bed and tries to get aidan out. we realize hes not moving and i start to freak out more. geo finally gets him out and lays him on the bed. hes sleeping... fast asleep. he just fell backwards, was slightly stunned and then went back to sleep. i swear, what the hell? i almost had a heart attack and couldnt sleep for the rest of the night/morning...

sesame place totally blew, its so ghetto and NOT nice there. vomit all over the bathroom floors, the worst crappy carnival-like rides ever, and just not nice anywhere. plus, we were the only white people in the park, so we sorta stuck out like a sore thumb... emily had a little fun and aidan was miserable the whole time. i should post the video tape of aidan flipping our tube over in the lazy river...

we wanna go back for another weekend (without the babies for once) and just stay at the house. there were families of deer every morning on the front yard- so nice. we were in the middle of the poconos; the house was in a gated woodlike area. we got to see waterfalls on this trail in mountains- it was so beautiful.
im sleepy. smoked Hooba Boobler tonite with brent and geo and now im ready for bed. such a stressful day... im ending it now by closing my eyes until bright and early tomorrow at 8am when aidan decides its time for a happy, new day to start. to be 1 1/2 again...

oh yeah, SHARIFA KNOWS THE RASMUS

breathe

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 21:13:18 GMT

it's friday evening, and im getting off of work in about 20 minutes. have to go see the chiropractor in 30 about my "herniated disc" in my back.. that should be fun, i hope i don't need surgery :( straight from there, i need to go pack for me AND aidan and be out the door ready to leave by 8pm for our trip to PA. Me, Geo, my brother Jon and sister-in-law, Alyssa, are staying in PA for the weekend to take the kids to Sesame Place. It worked out, because Alyssa's friend owns a three bedroom house right near the park, so we decided to make a weekend out of it. im excited to go and everything, but i'm just so tired and i have a busy few hours a head of me. plus geo and i are at odds once again, so we're going to bitching the entire time. atleast i have a little time to relax right now before i leave the office...
my back is killing me and i'm hoping my doc. can straighten out my problem asap. i need to breathe....
saw the worst movie of my life last night by the by, "The Suicide Club"- some japanese film that totally sucked and had no meaning to it whatsoever. i wanted to jump off a building (or hold hands with a bunch of schoolgirls and jump in front of a moving train) after watching it. the worst hour and a half of my life, and i've been through some shit....
ok, with that sour note, i'm off....
K, Bai.

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 01:16:53 GMT

so tired and out of it... haven't posted since... eh, awhile ago. left work early today after i found out my father had a minor heart attack. scared the hell out of me, i was crying so hard i couldnt breathe. my supervisor and her assistant had to drive my car/ follow it home because i was in such hysterics. i think im taking the day off tomorrow or just going in late to give myself some time to think about what we are going to do for him to take some stress off of his shoulders. hes so perfectly healthy which is the scariest part. he eats right, exercises everyday whether it be running, playing basketball or swimming and hes just in ten times better shape than i am. i dont understand it. the doctor tells him he just has too much stress and frustration going on in his life. it doesnt help that he has to pay for EVERYTHING because brent refuses to get a job like a bum. he just sits back and lets my father spoon feed him everything and he doesnt even care that my father is struggling so hard to take care of him. it gets me so pissed off. i swear, if i have to get a second job at nights (so i wont be able to see my son AT ALL) i am going to kill his lazy ass. hes so useless sometimes it gets me so frustrated. especially since i know he is capable of so much more than hes contributing. whatever im too much of an emotional basket case right now to speak. just so Fahrenheit 9/11 last night and have some things to say about that... next post....

live from disney quest...

Mon, 31 May 2004 02:51:25 GMT

i finally made it to orlando FL after my 22 1/2 hour drive from new york. i am sitting in the wonderland cafe inside disney quest inside downtown disney, drinking a caramel royale in huge alice in wonderland seats listening to a poor MIDI rendition of elton john's "can you feel the love tonite". we're gonna hit up pleasure island in 10 mins since disney quest is closing in a few. geo and i still havent killed each other yet so thats good news. we still have a week left. pray to jesus christ lord and savior for me. i miss aidan. we pick him up on wed. to take him to the magic kingdom. tomorrow is sea world and tues is universal. be jealous. ok this place is closing now and its too hard to type on this keyboard as the buttons are 3 times the size. i miss everyone-- call my cell its my only means of communication :) baiiii....

mamas day

Mon, 10 May 2004 02:50:17 GMT

today i celebrated my 2nd mothers day. im feeling so old right now. aidan is getting so big, its so scary how time flew by. we took him for professional pictures a few weeks ago and he looks so old in them. i get to pick them up tomorrow, so when i get them i am posting them because my son is the cutest thing on this planet and i wouldnt dare depriving anyone of the "T.C.O.". heh. had a busy weekend. i am not looking forward to work tomorrow. but atleast i only have 2 more weeks left until my vacation (yes, thats right, ive decided to go along with the vacation plans to FL and screw everyone else). god, i really need to find a new job. i can not take 'equity settlement' any longer. time to go to bed and relive another horrific week at the title company of doom...

ZzzZzzzzZ. . . .

Thu, 06 May 2004 06:32:04 GMT

i am in such dyer need for sleep. aidan wouldnt go to sleep until 3am last night, i wanted to die. yet i am still up at 2am bullshitting and bidding on cool stuff for my car on ebay. i need to get the altezza tail lights for my car, as well as a spoiler. i could probably get the spoiler for around $175 (painted to my color) and the lights for $80. i want the back of my car to look like this:

this right here is the my car to the exact'm:

so as we can all see i've got a lot of work to do and $$ to spend...
I am feeling so sick, tired, nauseous and achey. i can't stay awake anymore. must get up at 7am. im going to bed now...

gradual change

Wed, 05 May 2004 03:10:28 GMT

i found myself in a much better mood today than yesterday. granted, things are still crap in my life, but atleast for now i've pushed my negative thoughts aside. i was pretty bummed when i learned faith and rich weren't coming on the trip with me to florida, but then again, what does it matter? it's not like i would be accompanied by geo anyway. i have to tell my father to cancel those reservations...
i am so overwhelmed because my room is such a freakin mess, it's going to take a days work to clean it. the amount of laundry i need to do is frightening. even aidan's is piling up. it gets me so frustrated and by the end of the day i just want to relax and don't do it. once i get it done i'll feel better.
other than that, with the exception of arguing with my mother, my night has gone pretty smoothly. faith, christi and anthony are over and it's good to be in the company of good friends. surprisingly, i have found myself in excellent spirits and im sure of it now that there will be no "brittany falling apart" stage. i have even found myself thinking about a new boy i have a little thing for. not that anything will EVER happen, especially right after my break up, but it's still fun to let my thoughts run.
and to top it all off, my brother and his girlfriend offered to take aidan overnight on friday night. which means i will be having my first SINGLE girl's night out. not that i will do anything, but just the point of not being on guard anymore will be such a big stress relief. if i want to drink, i can do so without having my phone ring every minute with a bitching boyfriend screaming at me for just being around a member of the opposite sex. i feel almost wrong for handling this so well.... but what can ya do?

kill.me.now.

Tue, 04 May 2004 04:47:26 GMT

my day couldn't have gone any worse. i am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. people really frustrate me. this big spanish bitch there keeps pissing me off. she has the nastiest attitude and is the biggest brown noser my department has ever seen. today she snaps at me for recording one of her documents incorrectly. so therefore, i snap back "i didn't record it incorrectly, you prepared it incorrectly" just so she can bitch back to our supervisor. this is the same woman who had stated to me, "you don't have a title"- meanwhile we ALL have the same title.. "RECORDING DEPARTMENT". What the hell is yours? "Kiss Ass Canjura"? keep your title. im fine not having one...
not only that, this new woman just started a few weeks ago. she started out being really nice to me, therefore i paid the respect back. then she was sick with pneumonia for a week. now she's back. I go to give her something and she gets snippy with me. i'm all like, "uhh, what the fuck?" but ignore it and assume she's just loaded with work and overwhelmed. so then i go back there and stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER DESK and ask, "so how are you feeling?" as she just sits there staring at her computer screen IGNORING me. Fuck that. i get pissy with her and practically yell "I ASKED, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" she pauses, refuses to takes her eyes off the screen and mumbles, "alright". Really? Screw you. i don't give a shit how you're feeling anymore. hope you have a relapse. it gets to me because i did absolutely NOTHING to her. cherelle says to me, "it's because they're all talking to her about us". yeah, well who cares. you're 50. be a grown up. i dont get nasty with someone because of what i've heard about them. i take the time to get to know them myself before making that decision and how old am i? 19? learn some respect you old bag....
it bothered me all day until i finally got back at her... almost gave her a heart attack. snuck up behind her and dropped a shit load of documents on her desk.. "THUNK!!". she almost flew out of her chair and gasped so loudly, to which i replied with the snottiest, "SORRY" i have ever given in my life. she was pissed. then she did all her docs wrong because not only is she childish but she is an idiot. you've been doing this job longer than i have, why are you so fucking clueless? she comes back to me and wants to know what i mean by it and if i can fix it. i explained it to her like i was teaching special ed. and exclaimed, "this is not in my job description. you fix it". i refuse to let her be a bitch to me without getting it right back. she discovered that today....
geo hasn't called and im actually ok about it. i'm not sure i would answer anyway. i really feel its all for the best. i think it's going to hit me later. or maybe not. maybe it really did just die. who knows. so far i like this feeling of confidence. besides, he's the least of my problems anyway. i have my job at equity to be cautious of... i may kill someone by tomorrow....

Life According to Me.

Tue, 04 May 2004 03:40:43 GMT

"If there’s one thing I have learned in my life, it’s to never underestimate your own self worth. Unfortunately, I am a little late in finding this all true. But then again, am I? Or is this just part of life’s lesson that we must learn and endure before moving on? For instance, we’re always being taught; whether by our superiors or professionals that life is just one huge erudition- “for better knowledge, seek life”. But let’s face it. During this transition from child to not-quite-an-adult-yet, the whole ‘that’s life’ learning process and experience is pretty tough--ok, it fucking sucks. And I mean that in the most mature way possible.
And okay, I will admit it. I am the victim of a broken and painful relationship that has just disintegrated before my eyes as the months have gone by. And to be completely honest, I saw it all coming. So was I in denial, scared or just naïve? Or maybe a little bit of all three? I’ll admit to the latter. I have become the average woman (or girl, whatever you prefer), because we all have our own stories. Yes, yes, yes, I have suffered a broken heart… if that’s what you want to call it anyway…
And I swear, I am not trying to come off strong. My relationship of almost two years has ended for good, and to some that may seem a very short period of time, but for me, it was a whole section of my life that involved the biggest change and life altering decisions I may ever again encounter. I basically have been reborn to a new existence as where this man (or boy, again, whichever fits best) is practically all I know {in this new world of change}. Was it real love?…. I hesitate, but in the end, come up with only one answer: No. But God I wished it was.
Sometimes we just know when something is completely wrong for us. Where the pieces, not matter how hard you try to get them to intertwine, will never ever be able to fit properly together. That was my relationship, a/k/a, “young love”. Yet, it was always so hard for me to let go. I felt abandoned, lost, alone and afraid. I thought of only his decency and grasped onto that little bit of false hope in order to keep my heart beating for this one person. But it never would be enough to survive, and thus, did not.
So here is what gets me… why, at this time and not all others, do I not feel searing pain ripping through my entire being? Why have I not cried my eyes out till my face is so sore, it might as well have been beaten severely by a baseball bat? Especially since I am sure that the possibility of him ever returning to my life remains dim. I think I have just grown a little bit more life. In other words, I have grown a little bit wiser. I have made that one step into, yes i'm saying it, adulthood, however still unbalanced and unsteady I may be. I am not quite there yet, not even close. But I am one step closER. Just one single step. And that one step is such a relief to me. I exhale deeply and my courage, security and independence is restored. I am refreshed and I feel more stable. I am ready to walk further. God help me.
I am going to miss Geo, I’m sure of it. We did have something special, however dysfunctional it may have been. But atleast I know now to recognize a big lack of miscommunication when it is pratically staring at you dead on in the face. I have learned to never let yourself become miserable, never let yourself become guarded or needy. And most of all, never let someone else bring out the worst in you, however troubling it may be. Neither of us were bad people. We were two good people who were dreadful together- we brought out the the dick in each other. Plain and simple.
I feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more mature and a little more confident in my pursue for any kind of happiness life may be capable of bringing. To be able to vent and get my words out makes me even more aware of how I am competent. And for that, I will thank myself for enduring the heartache and the tears and the complete crap my insides once felt. And I can’t wait to do it all over again either. To meet some other man I think is perfect, only to discover he is the worst thing possible for me so I can scream until my throat runs dry and scratch at my skin and pull at my hair and cry in vast hysterics until I can lose my mind no more. Then I will shake it out and get over it and eventually, I hope to find the one person who won’t drive me out of my fucking mind. And when that day comes, I better be one content individual or else, i swear, i really will lose my head… Bottom Line: Never settle for less then what you deserve or feel is right for you. And that has been my first challenging discovery in my oh-so-young life yet… AhMEN…